than falling in Love
in a quite absolute, final way.
What you are in love with,
what seizes your imagination, will affect everything.
It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning,
what you do with your evenings,
how you spend your weekends,
what you read,
whom you know,
what breaks your heart,
and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.
Fall in Love, stay in love, and it will decide everything."
(Fall in Love, Pedro Arrupe SJ)
Everyday, as I open my Breviary, I see these words of Fr. Pedro Arrupe and immediately begin my morning meditation. My morning meditation essentially consists of focusing myself on whatever tasks I have on hand in the context of my love-relationship with God.
I think of these tasks, and say to God that these are the opportunities he sends to let me prove my love for him. I then think in the opposite direction: that all I do is for the love of God, meant to be received and shared by all.
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Today is really my first time to celebrate Valentines' Day in an extra special way. Today was an opportunity to love, love and love.
Four dates, four loves... the face of a loving God behind these faces.
First, I woke up early and served morning Mass. This was my date with God. He is my first priority.
After it, I bought flowers for my parents and went home. I spent the entire morning with my family, helping in whatever needs to be done. This was my date with my family. And I love them so much.
Third, was my date with my paperworks. Despite the noise of the internet cafe, the heat of the sun, and my hunger, I felt determined to finish my papers. I learned a lot, even if my head needs a lot of draining.
Finally, I spent the evening with my friends. This was just quick: my friends had other plans and other concerns to attend to. As much as I wanted them to stay and talk longer, they had to go. They had to leave, and so must I.
I felt somehow disappointed, but I still was happy... I made a lot of people smile, and they made me smile too.
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Tonight, as I finished Compline, I saw my entire life of love in a flash. A few words appeared which I want to start today's musings with.
Attraction.
Fear.
Moving on.
Regrets.
Starting Anew.
Commitment.
Okay, we begin. The musings deal about my lovelife then and my life as a seminarian now. Note that they exactly sound the same.... As honest as it gets...
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Attraction.
I fondly remember the day when I first fell in love. It was as if the stars shone brighter, the moon became whiter, and the face of the woman (that I saw everyday) became lovelier. Everyday, I would like to sit closer to her, so that by just seeing her face, my day would be complete.
I fondly remember as well, the day when I realized that I was called to become a priest. It was as if the world suddenly became bigger, my desire to serve became wider, and the prospect of accepting God's challenge became a dream to be achieved as easy as possible.
Fear.
I knew that I was in love with this woman. I felt certain that she was the woman I wanted. I felt that I needed to act. But I chickened out. I knew that I was not ready for this kind of relationship. I knew that she had different priorities, and I had mine. Once, I tried to just blurt out what I feel for her, but my emotions stopped me.... I had become weak because of fear.
Once I entered the Seminary, I knew well that God had called me to be a priest. I felt certain that this was my calling, this was my vocation; my means of sanctification. I felt I had to do more, but I chickened out. My subconscious was telling me that I was not ready to commit myself into a noble vocation like this. I knew its demands and privileges, but I also knew that my appreciation of the priestly life was still shallow. I tried to purify myself in another year of formation, and I realized that I was still afraid... afraid of the many risks I had to embrace.
Moving on.
I tried to move on. I entertained the thought that she was with someone else. I entertained the thought that she wasn't really interested with me. I then decided to live my life carefree, not to care for the many other relationships around me. I did not care. The relationship failed. It's useless to hope for something, even just a reply.
Because of certain crises in my formation, I entertained many thoughts. Once, I mused that I was not called after all... everything was just a mix of emotions. Once, I also mused that I was losing my interest in formation. I was slowly becoming careless, and always looked for my own pleasure or joy. I did not care. In a sense, I failed. I considered myself hopeless, I thought that I failed in my response to God.
Regrets.
When I graduated from High School, I felt much depressed. Why did I let my fears rule my heart? Why did I let worry enter my system? There.... it ruined the day and left me broken. Until now, I am still regretting the rash and weird decisions I made. But I know there is a certain grain of hope behind a stack of worries and regrets.
As evaluation day began in the Seminary last February 2014.. I feel a bit depressed. Why did I let my fears rule my heart? Why did I let worry enter my routine? There.... it ruined my day and left me broken. Until now, I am still regretting the many times I swerved away from formation. I regret the mistakes I have done. But I know that there is hope; there is still time to change.
Starting Anew.
Each day is a gift from God. Each day is an opportunity to start anew.
I still had a lot of friends, inside and outside the Seminary.
I am still blessed and loved.
I am still facing many challenges, accepting new responsibilities and facing new risks.
I rediscovered the things I lost, and realized all of these learnings, in one Holy Hour.
I thought that I was alone in facing my challenges. I did not look to the beyond.
I did not see the face of God in these many opportunities.
And in that Holy Hour, a paper suddenly fell from my Breviary.
It was a poem..... it talked about love. (and that is the introduction, folks)
Everything suddenly became clearer for me.
I had to start anew.
I felt renewed. I felt alive.
Commitment.
"The woods are lovely, dark and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep." (Robert Frost)
In the silence of a Valentines' evening....
when all are busy doing their acts of love....
when all are thinking of their loved ones...
I now turn my thoughts to you, Lord of the calling,
the Lord who called me.
Yes, the call is lovely, dark and deep.
I have my promise before You to keep.
And I will walk with you willingly,
wherever you wish,
even if it is miles away before I sleep.
I may be lonely tonight.
I may not have someone to hold tight,
but I know that tonight,
you are holding me with love.
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And that's how I realized that the heart of the seminary formation is love. Without it, nothing, even the grandest thing we do, will bear fruit.
And to end, a special greeting to those I spent my day with..... Grazie!
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