Birthday Musing: Singing Just As I Am Supposed to Do

“Our life as individual beings can be, most of the time, likened to the things we love. Life for some can be likened to a movie, a road, an infinity pool, or a race (if they seem to like living life on the fast lane). But I would like to liken my own life to a thing I absolutely love: songs. Whether I’m on my tub, or travelling on my way to work or simply listening to a good friend sing her heartwarming songs (I hope she does not read this, joke!), songs are a good way of self-expression and communication.”  

This was what I wrote a few months back about the songs of life and friendship. This time, as I sang this song [Air Supply, "Just as I am"] on the karaoke, I remembered this essay and thought: “maybe I can make this into the theme song of my 20^th birthday and stuff….”, and so forgive this long musing about my life into a song.

“I've had a lot of big dreams
I've made a lot of bad moves
I know you could walk away
But you never do”

Honestly, being 20 is the time where I can sort out my childhood ideals from the real situation nowadays. At this time, I can already sense what its being like to be a real grown-up.

At this time, I can especially remember my dreams: I wished to have a good life, a good education, to be good in the important things in life, and finally, to become a good priest. And I have done quite a lot to achieve those dreams: I’m already almost halfway in my priestly formation. I’ve struggled through thick and thin to persevere and to be happy in my chosen vocation; and I am happy about it.

At this point, I can also remember the many failures I did against those dreams of mine: I overdid my things, I forgot things, and I did not do the things that I am supposed to do. I swerved off from my path…

But I am blessed because people still never walk away from me;  they still believe in me, hoping that I can become their priest, their good brother and friend later on.

“I've met a lot of cold hearts
I've learned to smile and deceive
I know I'm hard to be around
But you never leave

                                                           I'm not easy to understand                                                             But you hold out your hand”

“I've made a lot of heartaches

I've found a lot of closed doors

When all the others turn away

You love me more”

One of the biggest pains of human existence is being hurt. On my part, the biggest hurts that I have experienced was those that I received from those whom I trusted the most: my community, my friends and from myself. I always thought that living in a Christian community was a welcome respite from the harshness of the secular world. I was mistaken: I was abused by those whom I trusted the most.

And so, instead of learning to open up, I have eventually learned to close myself further. I played people for my ends and not my ends for these people. I have almost become anti-social again, but I guess because of the faith and hope of some people, I have learned to accept people for who they are, and love them for who they are now and even until tomorrow.

“And you say you love me
Just as I am
You always treat me
The best that you can
You say you want me, need me
Love me baby
Just as I am, just as I am”

And I thank God for all of these people who have made the past 19 or so years meaningful and blessed for me. I thank above all, my family, for supporting me even in the best or worst decisions I made. For my friends, for guiding me towards making what is right, and for being a good cheering squad in my moments of loss. For the seminary community; sometimes my enemy, but most of the time, always, my good friends.

And for a good God who has never ceased to love me, treat me well, accepted me for who I am, and call me to a better way of responding to his call for the past 19 years. And to him I owe my existence, my vocation and my current life: since this is Your gift, I offer it back to You, hoping that you will lead me to where I can use my gifts to the full.

And that’s my birthday speech. Thanks and I’m off to praying again for all of you. Cheers!