(Author’s
Note: The essay was made by the author, and the commentary [originally in a mix
of English, Tagalog and Visayan] was made by a good friend of his, then edited-cum-translated
by the author. Enjoy!)
“How much are we
willing to give up for the ones we love?”
This
question rings up in my ears whenever I hear someone talk of love and
sacrifice. It is often that one of the best expressions of love is sacrifice,
and that genuine sacrifice does not exist without love; but what are we to make
of these lines, which are often clichés or (in Filipino context) “hugot lines”?
_________________________
A few months ago, we
were asked by our English teacher to come up with an essay on ‘Love and
Sacrifice’: hence, I made one, out of compliance. But because I failed in this
attempt (I got 78 at this paper), I began reading the works of other brothers…
I opened Besh Kuroyanagi’s locker and found his essay among his stacks of
books, papers and biscuits… (I admit, Kuro-yan,
I stole some of your biscuits because of hunger… Will you then forgive
me?)
I don’t know if
Kuro-yan was sermonizing (again) or was just defending his “Mr. Hugot” title,
but this piece made my day: it made good sense for me and for the others who
probably have read his paper.
But little did I know
that when these two are truly combined, it can make a hurtful yet meaningful
experience for me… Because of these two, I can truly say to myself that I am
not anymore indifferent to my own feelings… that I am now in touch with my
human-ness.
Today, this essay of
mine will do the opposite; it will use some excerpts of his essay as the base,
and then I will begin sharing my own experiences as this piece unfolds. I hope
it does justice to what Besh Kuro-yan has posted.
(By the way, I thank
him for reading this paper, and I know he has the guts to translate this paper,
if he wishes to publish it on his blog…. Besh naman oh!)
Today,
we often find the word LOVE abused and misused. It has gone from its glory days
to being a cheap word: it, being commodified and relativized, can be merely
bought or talked upon by two conniving ruffians. A simple date in the
restaurant, a night of hot sex in the hotel, or maybe just a simple chat and
text by some devotee of cheesy lines may be interpreted by modern society as
love. But sadly, lovers of this modern age think of their state today as a
utopia, where authentic commitment, self-giving and sacrifice are non-existent.
They would prefer to act wild and carefree rather than face the “consequences”
of engaging into a commitment/covenant called love. Why?
Before, I knew the
dangers of being in relationships of all sorts…. When we were still kids, our
parents taught us to be wary of people who may use, abuse and distort us, and
asked us to steer ourselves away from these kinds of people.
In high school, they
particularly warned us not to enter into a romantic relationship: seeing my
cousins getting pregnant out of wedlock, with their partners little or not
responsible for them, made me cringe… I’d rather not marry!
And added to this sort
of ‘fear’ was my earnest desire to become a priest: for me, priesthood was a
better way to serve God and his people. I served him faithfully as a server, as
a catechist, as a Christian for many years: why would I bother to find a woman
and do normal stuff, when I can do better as a priest?
It
is because sacrifice has gone out of the equation. Sure, we are willing to give
the time and the treasure; but all of these do not work without sacrifice.
Sacrifice primarily deals with self- giving, as Saint Ignatius of Loyola would
say; “to give and not to count the cost.... to toil and not to seek for rest,
to labor yet not asking for any reward”. Sacrifice entails giving ourselves until
we hurt.
When I entered the
Seminary on 2012 (Author’s Note: with meee! *Kuro-yan*), I realized that the
priesthood was not a bed of roses: the many activities, routines and endeavors
that we pursued demanded our very selves: time, talent, treasure and trust.
Even in the very first year of my formation, I realized that the demands of the
priesthood were too much for any normal human being to carry alone, and so I
had to rely on the gift and the grace of God to help me continue what I have
undertaken.
As the school year
ended, I (and the author) decided to take a very unique promise: that is, not
to desire any other vocation (even priesthood), but to let the Will of God
decide whatever vocation it may deem me worthy of. Even if it hurt my ego, I
still took it and let it rip off….
And it has given me
quite a fun adventure!
Why
do we sacrifice? Why do we give? It is because we love that person. In loving
them, we naturally tend to think of their good, even while disregarding our own
good. For the lover, the good of the beloved, their love is good itself for
him/her.
Even
if the beloved does not notice our efforts, as long as he/she enjoys his/her
freedom in being loved, everything is alright. In sacrifice, we find the
fullest expression of our love, and in receiving the fruits of sacrifice, we
acknowledge that we are truly loved by the lover who loves us.
And so it happened,
that once upon a time, I fell in love. (It was still a part of that
vocation-discerning plan I promised myself some time ago) Yes, despite the
taboos and the seminary rules, I still got in love with someone. We spent a lot
of time together; we shared a lot of things in common, even if I knew that she
had someone else on her mind.
And so it happened that
when everything was (almost) right, she decided to follow her heart and still love
that other person. Ouch! That hurts! Even if she did not tell it to me
directly, I already sensed it deep inside my mind.
I would like to tell
her that it’s over: we must part ways.
And so, I decided to
cut lines with her: for the good of herself, myself and of others who may be
involved with the process.
I indeed learned that
the best way to love was to give her what she wants- even if it is very painful
for me to accept. It was too painful in reality, my dears. I still loved her,
yes, but it seemed that if we will continue, it will be to the detriment of
both of us. We still have our own dreams and challenges to face, and a bright
future is still ahead of us.
I went through
sleepless nights, boring days and moments where I wished I could turn back time
and undo everything to stop these things from happening… But it gradually came
upon me that everything happens for a reason: this was to cure my indifference
to my own feelings and to the feelings of others. Life is not merely a
‘do-this-and-you-will-get-this” routine, but it is essentially a risk, a
beautiful risk.
And, as I was rumbling
through my papers last night to find my birth certificate (I was asked to
continue my AB Philo in UIC by my parents… I was sent out of the Seminary last
school year by Kuroyanagi’s grandfather.), I found this essay by my besh. I
cried a lot when I read it, simply because from what I thought was mere
“sermonizing”, was a real experience for me.
To
fully understand and realize the unity of love and sacrifice, regardless of
which comes first, let us go back to our opening question: “How much are we
willing to give up for the ones we love?”. If we do not really give up
something for the ones we are supposed to love, then our love will be just a
show of words. If we constantly give up something without truly appreciating
the ones we love, then it is all in vain.
Author:
I would really like to place this quote from “Unlucky I’m In Love With My
Bestfriend” (Oo na nga, he’s reading Wattpad, but he’s not a she ha!)… This quote definitely has something to say about my
“sermonizing” and my friend’s experience
“LOVE
involves SACRIFICE. It means sacrificing your own happiness to see your loved
one happy.”
(Besh, bumasa ka na nga
nitong Wattpad. This might help in recovery- Kuroyanagi)
In
the bottom line of this discussion, we finally ask ourselves; why do we love?
Why do we give? Answers and opinions may vary among each of us. But for me, it
is because in being deeply in love that we see the face and the heart of God in
someone else’s face, in someone else’s heart. And in seeing God-in-them, the
God-within-us reaches out and tries gives itself in its fullness, so that there
may develop an actualization of two persons becoming one in God’s gift called love. Love forms a community; it forms
one mind, heart and being. Love is an entrance to greater communion, in which
God, the lover and the beloved form an inseparable union.
And I guess, Mr. Hugot
Kuroyanagi has a much better conclusion than I have, and so we will let him end
this essay. This is my thoughts as well for this evening.
And I’m off to set
another journey on my own: I’ll take up a good course in that school, and I’ll
make sure I’ll visit Kuro-yan and his other friends in XACOSE…. (and make payback
by bringing him his favorite biscuits! KING FLAKES pa more!)
I’ll continue seeking
out the path the Lord calls me to: and as usual, I’m always ready and willing
to dare to love. I'm not shying myself again from a responsibility and a gift: to love...Amen!
___________________________
Eventually,
after all that has been shared and said in this essay, we are still left to
reflect on the intertwined and bittersweet mysteries of love and sacrifice.
Love is a mystery that constantly unfolds, and when it unfolds in us, we are
then led into the path of fullness. Besides, the real understanding of love
does not always come in essay form, but it is primarily understood in the
context of our day-to-day actions. What is important for us today is that we
are daring and willing enough to love.
PS- And I wonder, pala
Besh Author, kemusta na lovelife mo? Wala pa rin ba?
(Author: Of course,
wala pa nga! Langhiya ka!)
